My mother died in 2024. It was unexpected and tragic and confusing and I may never full heal from it, but so much more happened than just the trauma of losing her. A relative I have made concessions for over the years showed me a side of her I thought I was exempt from seeing. I’ve seen her be petty with other people, and I know she’s been petty where I’m concerned, but she never showed me that side right to my face until it was clear my mother would not survive her heart attack. I don’t know exactly what I did to warrant the anger she showed me, but once this person appeared, she hasn’t gone away. That’s who she is now. I had to mourn the loss of my mother, and at the same time mourn someone still alive, as well as her family.
My mother was actually recovering from minor back surgery. She was not only recovering well, the nurses said she was moving “too fast” during physical therapy. They were impressed, and I had flown into Dallas to help drive her home and help with her continued P.T. for the next few months.
I am my mother’s daughter, but I share no DNA with the man who married her after she divorced my bio dad. I share none of the characteristics of that side of the family. It is what it is. I know that side of the family to be selfish. I’ve watched many members of that family throw temper tantrums and act like overgrown children. I have loved everyone on that side of the family despite having nothing in common with them, except for my mother. No one’s perfect, but I did think I was somehow special and would never see that side of this person because they loved me too much to be petty towards me, especially during the loss of my mother. I mean…
There are people in this world who do not live in reality. They live in their own world driven by their own narrative because it suits them. They will manipulate you through lies and gaslighting, making you feel like you are crazy just because they need the story to fit that narrative. And double standards? She can be late for anything, but you cannot be late. She can “take a day,” but you cannot take a day. She can ignore your texts, but you cannot ignore her texts. Now every conversation is just a game. The last time I spoke with her on the phone she talked for close to an hour about herself, then excused herself because she was tired. This after I mailed her a sunflower watercolor because I know she likes sunflowers.
I don’t hate her. I love her, but I don’t like her and I don’t trust her. If the trust is gone there’s not much left. I did learn a lot, though. In my pain and adrift feelings, searching for answers, I learned that children of narcissists, or children of parents with narcissistic traits, will usually either become narcissists, or people pleasers. Both are trauma responses, and both sides can exhibit narcissistic behavior and people pleaser behavior. It is the narcissistic traits that pushed me away from this family so many years ago. That and my desire to see the world and experience adventure. And I’m an Aquarius. We invented going “no contact” way before there was a term for it. I can’t make space in my life for people who don’t respect me. If you ask me with kindness and respect to do something for you, even if it puts me out, I’ll figure it out. I shut down around people who try to emotionally manipulate me.
I wrote every day as my mother lay dying in the hospital. Writing everything down was the only way to maintain my sanity. My mind could not figure out what was happening, because logic doesn’t explain it. And some day I may have to explain to someone I care about why I will not speak to her. I don’t like games that hurt people. I don’t want to play games. I’m also not religious, so getting a text about her praying our relationship heals is a lazy non-apology. Also, since she is literally the laziest person I know, I know she’s too lazy to even pray.
I write because it helps me organize my thoughts. So if someone out there in the dark finds this, it’s not your fault that the narcissist you care about hurts you. Theirs is a trauma response, and though it feels deeply personal, it’s their issue, not yours. You can still love them and cut them out of your life because you love yourself enough to remove toxicity. And try to take it as a sign to stop people pleasing. Narcissists are attracted to people pleasers because they will ignore their own discomfort to make them happy. They can only exist around people who disregard their own needs over theirs. And also don’t beat yourself up if you know you are with a narcissist and you stay! I don’t think enough people say that. Everyone deserves love. If you feel the pros outweigh the cons, it’s okay to decide to stay with that person, anyway. Choose yourself if it’s destroying you to be with them. Protect your peace. No one is going to do that for you.
