Don’t Give Up

Julie Meadows July 19, 2026

The image in my header has profound meaning for me. Two of my friends are there. They were my also my documentary collaborators. The Santa Monica Pier, a fitting symbol of Southern California and Los Angeles. Sunny Leone is just in front of me. A beautiful, kind, intelligent woman who was able to move to another country and become a beloved Bollywood star. I can’t really talk about my one friend too much, because he was such a private person, but he’s the reason this picture was possible. I’ll call him Jay.

Jay made my documentary dream a reality. The effort to shed a human light on adult workers was only happening as I filmed interviews piecemeal and featured them on my website. It began with Tanner Mayes, who was quite literally the epitome of a kind and fragile young woman. I remember that interview so vividly. It sparked a conversation about predators in the business and stirred the ire of many a male producer. She felt small and vulnerable after a series of degrading experiences perpetrated by people who treated her like she wasn’t worthy of kindness and respect. I had my own experiences with the same company. I hated seeing women treated this way by people outside of the industry, let alone from within. My own experience with a woman-hating producer put my website on the map back in the early 2000s. This was before #metoo and cancel culture. We were exposing people without really knowing we were doing it just by having a conversation about practices in the industry. The conversation transformed over time to cover predators outside of the industry, as well. One had been a performer in the industry, left the industry, but then came back under the guise of helping performers leave. Thing is, she was just another predator. There was an entire non-profit organization that started preying on the industry as a whole. It was a strange time.

This person… dare I say angel, wanted to help me. And he did. He was a kind, otherworldly soul with a lot of wisdom and sadness behind his eyes. He wanted to help me tell stories and show a different side to these people. We were featuring a number of female performers. On the other end of the spectrum was Kayden Kross. Kayden was a confident, self-possessed woman who didn’t allow people to prey on her. She owned her choices. It was the first time I’d heard the term “daddy issues” to describe someone and it pissed me off. Recently I watched someone on social media explain exactly why it pissed me off. Because it places the blame of a failed father figure squarely on the daughter’s shoulders. I had written my own article about it, but I believe that sums it up perfectly. We were talking about these things, but not in an academic bubble. Nor were we discussing it as an anti-industry stance with designs on shutting it down for good. It was a celebratory and thoughtful take on social issues, relationships, and individuality that explored the pros and cons of that life without shaming these consenting adults for their choices.

Jay knew as well as I did that we are misunderstood. Being a sex worker is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of courage to do what we do, and the least people can do is acknowledge that they don’t fully understand what our lives are like and lead with kindness. Jay was one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. He lived a fairly secretive life, but when he was around, he was generous with his thoughts and his support. We guessed that he was sad, but we didn’t know how much because he rarely painted a full picture of himself.

I still miss him. My friend and I, who worked on the documentary with us, have cried over the loss many times. I think it’s partially survivor’s guilt. He seemed like a good one; one that should stay and make the world a better place. I used to cry every time I thought about him, but I finally came to terms with the fact that he felt he was doing what was right for him. Suicide is not something we ever want to come to terms with, and rightly so. We want the people we care about to hold on and wait for the storm to pass, but some just cannot. I can’t change what happened. I only hope that I can continue to shed a thoughtful light on people who are misunderstood. People who have trauma, but don’t take it out on others. Not to say that there aren’t performers who take their trauma out on others, but I don’t believe most of us do.

Healthcare?

Julie Meadows July 11, 2026

I’ve had some experiences with the healthcare system and what I see lately scares me. In fact, it seems a misnomer to call it healthcare at all. Social media has opened my eyes to the fact that our healthcare system has some archaic practices. Then the pandemic hit and so much has changed. There have always been people who don’t care about their jobs, but it seems worse than ever.

I know all of two people who don’t take medication. I’m not talking diabetes, or medications you can’t avoid taking or you die. I’m talking about medication for anxiety, weight loss, cholesterol, mood elevators, etc. Not that some of these don’t benefit people, but at the end of my father’s life he took a lot of medication. I’m pretty good at seeing patterns. If one medication turns into issues in other parts of the body, a doctor is not likely going to change your medication. In my experience, watching friends and family over the years, the doctor will likely prescribe yet another medication. And it also seems that that’s where their money comes from; prescribing medication. How can you trust someone to care about your health knowing they make more money the more drugs they push?

And I sort of sympathize. If you are even capable of going to med school, you likely accrue a huge amount of student debt. By the time you are able to work, you’re paying that off for who knows how long. I’ve witnessed my own horrors in medicine. I had surgery to get my tubes tied around 2000. The doctor told me it would be a fairly easy surgery and the scar would be small. I was on the table about to receive anesthesia when a young male doctor asked me last minute of I would agree to an epidural, instead. I didn’t know the difference so I said fine. I was assuming my best interests were the highest priority. What I didn’t understand, because it wasn’t explained to me, was that the epidural would wear off rather quickly, and that they were pushing for that because it was cheaper. The doctor was forced to rush through my surgery because I could have awoken during the surgery. The tiny scar was a Frankenstein zipper across the top of my pelvic bone. Not ideal, but not the worst part. The worst part was waking up. Screaming. I’d just been cut wide open and sewn up and I could feel everything.

Someone I know went to a doctor. He had very clear symptoms. He had lived in an apartment with mold, suffered health-wise, but was on the mend after moving and taking olive leaf extract (an anti-fungal herb I have recommended to anyone who wants to talk health). One problem, his tonsils seemed to not be working. He’d feel well, go to the gym, get sick. Feel better, go to the gym, get sick. His tonsils would collect the toxins, but not filter them. He had pieces of icky stuff stuck in his tonsils he’d have to manually remove. Sounds simple! He went to a doctor in The Valley who prescribed him blood pressure medication. Fine, but what about his tonsils? If dawned on him that if his tonsils were removed, he probably wouldn’t need the blood pressure medication. He went back to the doctor and requested his tonsils be removed. The doctor told him tonsils don’t get removed anymore. Why? Because they used to remove tonsils when they didn’t have to decades earlier. That was his reasoning. Because it was a go-to practice, it stopped being done at all. It didn’t make sense. His tonsils were clearly not working. My friend went to another doctor and that doctor said yes, he likely needed his tonsils removed, so he schedule the surgery. The original doctor was so offended he refused to do the blood work in preparation for the surgery. This hack refused. My friend had his tonsils removed and guess what. No more issues! No more sickness. And after he weened himself off of the blood pressure medication, he was fine. His blood pressure was high as a result of getting sick.

There are so many stories. Watching the doctors and nurses care for my mother after a massive heart attack was so frustrating. The apathy, the desensitized way of speaking about her while she’s laying right there. My mother could have had blood thinner 30 minutes before she got it, but the ultrasound technician just could not stay in her lane. She questioned the nurse even though I was in the room when the doctor authorized it even though my mother had just had back surgery. I watched the nurse set the needle down and disappear for around thirty minutes before coming back in and giving her the blood thinner. She had had a mild heart attack, and I still wonder if her massive heart attack happened because that woman questioned the nurse.

When my father got sick in 2012, I flew to Texas to be with my family. I liked the head doctor, but the guy who was there most of the time was clearly a sociopath. We’re in ICU crying as my father lay there and no one knows yet what’s wrong because the nurse couldn’t find a vein when he first checked into the hospital. This guy walks in and makes a joke that is so tone deaf to the situation that I glare at him. I didn’t yet understand the problem with rubbing one of these people the wrong way while someone you love is in their care. I said something along the lines of ‘What’s wrong with you?’ and that guy made life very unsettling over the next several days. If I was the only person awaiting visits in the waiting room, he’d make the nurses keep the doors locked and ignore me. During one visit he flipped by dad’s gown up to expose his genitals. A real creep. It, honestly, terrified me to speak my mind while my mother was in ICU. I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel safe in a hospital.

Another friend’s mother went into the hospital with COVID-19 and died because the nurse forgot to turn her respirator back on.

And affordable healthcare? The best healthcare I’ve ever received, I had to pay through the nose for it. I don’t know what you call what we do in this country. I just learned that other countries are far more advanced than we are in many areas. I don’t trust doctors here. Had another friend inform a doctor he was allergic to a medication just to get prescribed the very medication he told him he was allergic to. Health-uncare is more like it.

A Healing Journey: Spitituality vs. Religion

Julie Meadows July 1, 2026

I’m a spiritual person, not religious, but I get it. If you are afraid of death, religion is a great option for calming you about the afterlife. Or maybe you have been a terrible person with no moral compass and religion is the only option that sets you on the path of being a good human. Maybe guilt drives you. I have seen countless adult performers over the years turn to religion to heal themselves. I used to scoff at it, but I get it. Extremes beget extremes, and I’m not immune to the pendulum swing. But religion never resonated with me. Maybe I just saw it as a manipulation tool to control minds. I’ve yet to encounter a religion that isn’t deeply racist and misogynistic. I’ve never encountered a religion that doesn’t hate women.

My theory (and I’ll get a lot of flack for this, but at this point, it’s par for the course), is that religions were created by men who were jealous that they can’t birth life. So what do they do? They conjure up a great male being that gave birth to… well, everything. Christianity is the religion I know most because I grew up with it. In their story of creation, Adam was the first human (even though science shows all fetuses begin female and the chromosomes have to “fight” to become male). But poor Adam is lonely, so God makes Eve from his rib… And then she’s the devil who ruins everything. I know, the Devil is the snake, but she is the weak one; the reason they are cast out of “The Garden.” And it’s the kind of boring fantastical story an unintelligent person would drum up, in my opinion. What’s really crazy is that this archaic story is perpetuated. It just doesn’t make any sense. It certainly doesn’t make women look good. In every religion women are the problem. You can’t shake their hands, or hear them sing, or see their face… Controlling women and putting them down seems the only goal, so no, I will never be religious.

Don’t get me wrong, if there is a super human in the sky, it’s not female, either. Native American Indian cultures refer to it as The Great Spirit. That makes more sense.

I prefer the spiritual approach. Being in the moment, appreciating the divine in everyone and everything. Some people, like a relative of mine, enhance the idea of religion because they truly walk the walk and talk the talk. She is proof that religion in the right person is a beautiful thing. If I ever wanted to believe in a religion, she would be my inspiration. But most uber religious people I’ve met have a guilty conscience. And by “uber religious” I mean over-the-top. These people preach and tell you you’re going to Hell. I’ve lived in several cities, traveled the country and met many people in my life. In my experience, those people have a guilty conscience because they’ve done some really questionable things in their lives. Religion balances out something broken in them, but it doesn’t “fix” it. Again, that’s just my experience.

All of this to say that spirituality is important. I’ve started “praying.” I commune with myself and ask the universe for blessing to be bestowed on those I care about. Namely the one’s who haven’t hurt me, but also the one’s who have hurt me. I think we can all heal from past trauma, but we have to come from a place of truth and humility. No one’s perfect.

A Healing Journey: Trouble Sleeping

Julie Meadows June 26, 2026

It’s easy to claim being healthy when you’ve only been doing it for a little while, but I’m older and really feel like life could be interesting at middle age. I went from loving my wine, to loving my whisky and my wine, and now I’m kind of bored with it all. It’s fun for a minute, but it doesn’t really give back. And I’ve finally got a handle on my sleeping. That has been my biggest obstacle over the years, and the main reason I self-medicate.

I went to see a therapist about my sleeping. We talked about it at length even though I know it’s my overactive brain. I’ve tried herbal tea before bed, warm milk with saffron. I use an extra comforter on top of my blankets to weigh me down… Nothing seemed to work until I saw a woman sort of mummify herself in her bed. I tried it, and it helps. I take three pillows and place one behind my head, and cram the other two against the sides of my head. I put a heating pad under my lower back, and then bring my blankets up and cover my mouth, but not my nose. The room is dark and there is a fan that acts as noise cancellation, but the pillows block the air from stirring my hair around my face and tickling my skin. The pillows, the fan, and blankets act as a kind of sensory deprivation that insulates me enough to quiet my thoughts. It’s effective enough to work most nights.

And sleep is so important! My monkey brain goes and goes and jumps from one chaotic branch of a tree to the next until I feel I’ve covered the forest only to start again. Thinking leads to drinking. It cures boredom for a little while, but it’s a terrible longterm solution. This is what my liver tells me, anyway.

Has Adult Material Made Your Life Better or Worse?

Julie Meadows June 21, 2026

I’m curious if Gen Xers feel adult content has made their lives better or worse? The argument twenty years ago was that it made a lot of people’s lives better, but back then it was only supposed to be available to adults. My question is, if you’ve been consuming it for fifteen years or more, how do you feel about it now?

Next questions is, do you know if your kids are watching it? Studies show the average age of first watching explicit material is around twelve, but I’ve seen interviews recently of now-adults saying they watched explicit material as early as age nine doing something as innocuous as playing a video game. None of these people were happy about having watched it, and said that it’s made their lives more difficult. They cited shame and feelings of inadequacy as drawbacks because they thought that’s how adults are supposed to go about it. They thought it was educational because they didn’t know any better.

The other reason I’m asking is because I have about twenty years distance now between me and that industry. In my twenties I thought that kind of content was mostly harmless. Not the producers who set out to intentionally harm people, but the content in general made by companies who hired directors, etc. I’ve never been very aware of any other kind of content, though I now know that streaming has become very popular.

But now I’m not so sure it benefits anyone. Gay men? They are a population of adults who don’t shame each other for their preferences. Maybe just gay people in general? I don’t see male/female relationships benefiting from this free content everyone is consuming. Phrases are used like “male loneliness epidemic” because young women are choosing to be single and not have kids. A lot of them say they don’t feel safe, or economically secure, or both. They talk about dating and men feeling entitled to their bodies because they paid for a meal. There have always been men like that, but it sounds like it’s way more common than it used to be. This is a conversation that really should include adult material because so many people are watching it at increasingly younger ages and feeling that it’s ruining their lives.

Billie Eilish appeared on the Howard Stern Show and said she watched it at age eleven. “I used to watch a lot of [adult material], to be honest. I started watching [adult material] when I was like 11… I think it really destroyed my brain and I feel incredibly devastated that I was exposed to so much [adult material].”

She’s one of the brave few to openly talk about it, and I think it’s having devastating effects across the board. But I would like to know what other people think. Do you have kids and you’re just sure they’re not watching it, knowing that other kids at their school are watching it? Do you talk to your kids at all about whether or not they do watch it? Do you let them have sleepovers where they have unrestricted access to the internet?

The Face of Narcissism

Julie Meadows June 16, 2026

My mother died in 2024. It was unexpected and tragic and confusing and I may never full heal from it, but so much more happened than just the trauma of losing her. A relative I have made concessions for over the years showed me a side of her I thought I was exempt from seeing. I’ve seen her be petty with other people, and I know she’s been petty where I’m concerned, but she never showed me that side right to my face until it was clear my mother would not survive her heart attack. I don’t know exactly what I did to warrant the anger she showed me, but once this person appeared, she hasn’t gone away. That’s who she is now. I had to mourn the loss of my mother, and at the same time mourn someone still alive, as well as her family.

My mother was actually recovering from minor back surgery. She was not only recovering well, the nurses said she was moving “too fast” during physical therapy. They were impressed, and I had flown into Dallas to help drive her home and help with her continued P.T. for the next few months.

I am my mother’s daughter, but I share no DNA with the man who married her after she divorced my bio dad. I share none of the characteristics of that side of the family. It is what it is. I know that side of the family to be selfish. I’ve watched many members of that family throw temper tantrums and act like overgrown children. I have loved everyone on that side of the family despite having nothing in common with them, except for my mother. No one’s perfect, but I did think I was somehow special and would never see that side of this person because they loved me too much to be petty towards me, especially during the loss of my mother. I mean…

There are people in this world who do not live in reality. They live in their own world driven by their own narrative because it suits them. They will manipulate you through lies and gaslighting, making you feel like you are crazy just because they need the story to fit that narrative. And double standards? She can be late for anything, but you cannot be late. She can “take a day,” but you cannot take a day. She can ignore your texts, but you cannot ignore her texts. Now every conversation is just a game. The last time I spoke with her on the phone she talked for close to an hour about herself, then excused herself because she was tired. This after I mailed her a sunflower watercolor because I know she likes sunflowers.

I don’t hate her. I love her, but I don’t like her and I don’t trust her. If the trust is gone there’s not much left. I did learn a lot, though. In my pain and adrift feelings, searching for answers, I learned that children of narcissists, or children of parents with narcissistic traits, will usually either become narcissists, or people pleasers. Both are trauma responses, and both sides can exhibit narcissistic behavior and people pleaser behavior. It is the narcissistic traits that pushed me away from this family so many years ago. That and my desire to see the world and experience adventure. And I’m an Aquarius. We invented going “no contact” way before there was a term for it. I can’t make space in my life for people who don’t respect me. If you ask me with kindness and respect to do something for you, even if it puts me out, I’ll figure it out. I shut down around people who try to emotionally manipulate me.

I wrote every day as my mother lay dying in the hospital. Writing everything down was the only way to maintain my sanity. My mind could not figure out what was happening, because logic doesn’t explain it. And some day I may have to explain to someone I care about why I will not speak to her. I don’t like games that hurt people. I don’t want to play games. I’m also not religious, so getting a text about her praying our relationship heals is a lazy non-apology. Also, since she is literally the laziest person I know, I know she’s too lazy to even pray.

I write because it helps me organize my thoughts. So if someone out there in the dark finds this, it’s not your fault that the narcissist you care about hurts you. Theirs is a trauma response, and though it feels deeply personal, it’s their issue, not yours. You can still love them and cut them out of your life because you love yourself enough to remove toxicity. And try to take it as a sign to stop people pleasing. Narcissists are attracted to people pleasers because they will ignore their own discomfort to make them happy. They can only exist around people who disregard their own needs over theirs. And also don’t beat yourself up if you know you are with a narcissist and you stay! I don’t think enough people say that. Everyone deserves love. If you feel the pros outweigh the cons, it’s okay to decide to stay with that person, anyway. Choose yourself if it’s destroying you to be with them. Protect your peace. No one is going to do that for you.